Bigger Fish to Fry
by Band8PGeek
Summary: SpongeBob and Squidward were both too much in love to care about the little things that bugged them. They both had bigger fish to fry. Crack twoshot.
1. Bigger Fish to Fry

_**Bigger Fish to Fry  
**__SpongeBob and Squidward were both too much in love to care about the little things that bugged them. They both had bigger fish to fry. Crack oneshot. _

I watched a SpongeBob marathon the Saturday before Easter, two episode-segments of which I hadn't seen before (the names of which would give the game away). After watching, I immediately walked back into my bedroom, switched on my laptop and started churning out this crazy crack-fiction.  
I for one am happy with the result; happy enough to release it, in fact. But I warn you – if you dislike crack and flame anyway, I should tell you that I've had experience of kicking, and being kicked in, the metaphorical balls.  
Dedicated to Tampon Masturbation, who I admit may have inspired the sheer crackness of this pairing. Rated T for spoilers and innuendo and stuff.  
Disclaimer: SpongeBob isn't mine, thanks for listening tick logo.

* * *

SpongeBob SquarePants was inquisitive at heart. His curiosity dug him into scrapes, and managed to launch him out of them. His yearning had led him into the skies with the jellyfish, and into the grounds of a magic well. He'd experienced some pretty crazy adventures because of this natural desire to learn the **why** of everything.

Even so, when he heard strange rumors about an unnamed intruder into his neighbor's love life, he didn't want to inquire. He didn't even want to know.

He had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

Squidward Tentacles tried to keep as far out of SpongeBob's life as cephalopodely possible. And when by chance their paths crossed at work, at home or anywhere else, it was reluctantly that Squidward tried to hoist him out of the Final Jeopardies they blew. He was a self-absorbed soul, but preferred it to stay that way as far as poriferans were concerned.

Ergo, when he saw his neighbor compose an innuendoed letter to a mystery person out of newspaper headlines, he just ignored it. He didn't even want to know.

He had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

SpongeBob liked the simplicity of existence. He was a fry-cook, he had friends, he loved everything, it was as easy as that. So he found the pressures of preparing for a date very disconcerting.

There was just so much to _decide_. Even seemingly irrelevant things like neckties and eyelash color mattered so much in the rollercoaster of romance. If he slipped up, even once, he'd look bad in the eyes of his prospective suitor.

He tried asking Squidward for help, but he was busy making a series of romantic phone calls to someone the sponge couldn't hear. So SpongeBob tried to make it on his own.

He had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

Squidward was an artist, ranging from abstract to post-impressionist at the flick of a pencil. Therefore, on the night his date was due to come round his house for the night, he tried to pull off the perfect atmosphere.

This was harder than it looked. The man had to find the balance between under-emphasis and far-too-showy. It was like balancing on a teetotal with a pound of tar and a pound of feathers; there was always a danger of everything falling off and him looking like a chicken.

That night, SpongeBob's lovesick rantings about someone he couldn't decipher were quickly turned away at the door in favor of checking the kelpweed sauce. Squid just didn't have the time.

He had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

SpongeBob didn't want to be plagued in his dreams by his date. He didn't want to be haunted at the grill by whispered throes of lust, of sick desires, of sweet nothings. He didn't want the not-yet-fulfilled fantasies of their first time under the sheets to interfere with an all-important karate match with Sandy.

But they did, whether he liked it or not. And he lost the match.

Yet he ignored the calls for a rematch, for a set time tomorrow, for everything, and focused on the feelings the memories procured. He ignored Mr Krabs' persistence to get his coworker to stop jacking off in the bathroom. He ignored it all, even the grill. Especially the grill.

He had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

Squidward had never had an experience like that before. The thrills of directing his own super-band put together with the fun of the snowball fight couldn't compare with the feeling of frequent kisses on the lips, of tongue-wrestling on the bed, of seeing things during the day that reminded him so much of his beloved. (Plankton had been a big help, considering the…_difference in size of assets_, let's call it that for now.)

The days at work and at home alone seemed more mundane and frustrating than ever. The minutes ticked by like hours, and hours seemed years. When they were together, however, time sped by on roller-skates to make up for the sag of efficiency earlier on in the day.

The questions about why his coworker wasn't making enough patties remained unanswered, as long as Squidward was distracted.

He had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

SpongeBob had the advantage of a good memory when it came to the past. He could remember pretty much everything if he focused hard enough (with the exception of his shoelaces).

But for the purposes of this relationship, he forgot all the times he was ridiculed by his desire, all the times they clashed, all the time he was sent sprawling into the ground, begging for mercy. The memory disposal unit that was deactivated after the fancy restaurant scandal went back into action, flushing the moments that made the time together sour.

He forgot it all. He forgot everyone else as well.

He had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

Squidward could remember when the two of them first met. They literally ran into each other on the streets, one buying some clarinet reeds, the other 'tying up some loose ends'.

The cephalopod had been zapped by the surge of attraction, even back then. At first, he put it out of his mind, but talking had proven that his hunch was correct – he had finally come across someone single and available. A date was arranged, just to give Squidward something to do.

Now it had reached the levels of ecstasy. He had finally achieved the unachievable. He no longer had the outside world to drag him down.

He had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

SpongeBob and Squidward shared more in common than they thought at that moment.

They were both at the pinnacle of their love lives.

They were both deliriously happy with the result.

They had both fallen head over fins in love.

At the same time, they had both left everything behind to pursue their loved one.

They were both now ignoring each other, and the world.

They were both too much in love to care about the little things that bugged them.

They both had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

If you leave a fish to fry for too long, it gets burnt. Then you're eating charcoal.

* * *

He was playing a dangerous game.

He didn't **ask** to have two people at his feet, mind you. Convenience and a memory like a sieve had left him caught up in a bizarre love triangle.

One was the little man-boy, his punching bag from so long ago. The other was a stranger from the streets, the cashier of a greasy spoon. The first he had held a small candle towards for some time; but the second was the handsomer of the two.

It was crazy when you looked at it. An ex-convict shared between his cousin and his cousin's friend, neither relationship knowing about the other.

Crazy, but not impossible.

BlackJack BuffPants didn't know how long he could keep up this wild double-life. After all, at some point in a masquerade, the disguise has to slip.

But when it did, he wouldn't complain. He'd move on and leave the victims to pick up the pieces. He always did.

He always had bigger fish to fry.


	2. Almost

_**Almost  
**__Sequel to 'Bigger Fish to Fry', read that first. There was something in the way Squidward said it that made SpongeBob think he was joking at first. Song-fic to Fearless (250 and Dark Stars) by Falling Up._

Holy shit, people. I spent far longer on this than on any other sequel so far. I even had the thing **beta-read, **for god's sake.  
If I had put a warning for incest in Bigger Fish, I might have had potential to giving the pairing away (I didn't want that), but it would have been a whole lot easier on the long run. Therefore, I warn of incest in this part, even though there isn't any, and we can all consider it said.  
If that made sense.

Disclaimer: Hillenburg didn't hand me the rights to SpongeBob while I was at Universal Studios, so I still have to do these.

* * *

There was something in the way Squidward said it that made BlackJack BuffPants pause for a second.

"But…I thought you loved me."

It was hardly unexpected – it had only just been revealed that he'd been whispering sexual innuendoes to SpongeBob and making out with Squidward in the same breath. In fact, had it gone undetected for longer, there was potential for a would-be bigamist. Something that would land him back in prison for sure.  
(At least the fact that cousin-cousin relationships were perfectly legal gave him a splinter of comfort.)

That was why BlackJack was vamoosing, leaving the victims behind to do what he called 'eating the evidence'.

Squidward's call had made him stop.

"You said you loved me..."

It was true; Squidward had appeared the cuter of his two simultaneous boyfriends. And he had the right sources to provide sex. And yes – he admitted it to himself – he had started to actually **like** the little man.

Well, not actually **like**. Liking and loving were emotions he tried not to think about. Finally managing to put the dominant personality on the submissive side for a change was a challenge.  
BlackJack loved a challenge.  
That was probably **all** he loved.

BlackJack almost felt sorry for the poor cephalopod.

"I lied."

Almost.

**Empty house far away  
Lost in lonely space  
You know you've felt the same  
From the shallows in love  
To the depths of your scars  
You know you want to change**

* * *

There was something in the way Squidward said it that made SpongeBob think he was joking at first.

"Y'know…you look sorta like BlackJack if I squint."

How many weeks had it been since BlackJack had betrayed them? Four? Five? Sixteen? Time had become meaningless. In that time, Squidward and SpongeBob had become recluses, refusing to communicate with anyone unless life-threateningly necessary.

"I mean, maybe if you, worked out more and, um, got a wig…you could pass off as him. … Maybe."

This was the first time they'd spoken to each other since, in the safety of the back of the Krusty Krab. And it sounded like Squidward was opening with a joke.

"And, um… I know that you've missed him as much as I have…if not…um…more so, and…"

SpongeBob tried to laugh, but it came out harsh. You could tell he hadn't spoken for some time. "Squidward, is there a point to this?"

"I don't know. Do you want there to be?"

The penny finally dropped. To be specific, right out of Mr Krab's left pocket. "Ehh…sorry you had to see that."

At any rate, SpongeBob realized Squidward's intentions. "No, Squidward. **Noooo. **I am not going to be a replacement BlackJack for your sick needs. Go and ask someone else." And that, it seemed, was that.

But Squidward had an ace up his sleeve. "I could be your BlackJack too. And I know you really wanted to… y'know, have sex with him."

He only paused for a second.

"Deal."

**In the rafters, a vate  
Fixed and spinning late  
There's a certain fear  
Even light with control  
Lights outside our homes  
Wait for every tear**

* * *

There was something in the way SpongeBob wore it that made Squidward very horny.

You had to admit, he looked nice in that slicked-back wig. And those muscle-arms had come in for good use after all; if he didn't know any better, he'd say SpongeBob was the spitting image.

It was harder for Squidward to pull off the BlackJack look. But soft padding round the abdomen and a mass of black fur from Sandy's cousin had done its job sufficiently. SpongeBob was just as attracted as Squidward was, if not more so.

_Maybe, _they thought, _he could actually get away with being a BlackJack away from BlackJack. _

_Maybe. _

**So exit the fall  
And now it's over  
You're learning  
It's all before your heart  
So exit the fall  
And now it's over  
You're learning  
It's all before your heart**

* * *

There was something in the way they did it that made it seem…

Well, there wasn't really a word for it. And if there were, it would be different every time you asked.

For Squidward, it wasn't really any different from sex with BlackJack. If anything, it was easier – none of that messy business with the shrink ray. For SpongeBob, it was a completely new issue to him; his ex had never managed to do the dirty with him, only speculate on it by hushed whispers.

They did it by ground rules. Not too hard, not too soft, and definitely not too frequently. They never kissed – it would remind them too much of times of old with him. They changed houses by a pattern; SpongeBob's on Mondays to Wednesdays, Squidward's Thursday to Saturday, alternate Sundays.  
And at the end of every night, they would always close with the same dialogue. "I love you, BlackJack." "I love you too, BlackJack."

Yet, it still didn't seem all there. They never got that warm fuzzy feeling at the end of it. They felt…

What was that word?

_Incomplete? _

**I found a way out  
Through everything I've known  
I'm walking fearless  
With my faith down and all that I own  
Don't take my picture  
Cause I won't be there standing alone  
I'm living fearless, so fearless  
Like every day's my own  
**

* * *

There was something in the way SpongeBob looked at him that made it occur to Squidward.

Their sex-cycle had been going on for some time now, and they still hadn't achieved climax afterwards. It was getting frustrating. Squidward started poring over the books, the erotic paintings, and those oh-so-elusive competent therapists, searching for an answer. They were doing it in the right bedding; the positions were correct – all of the technicalities were just so.

So why didn't it feel right?

It was hard to believe, even today, that it was at the Krusty Krab that the answer came to Squidward. Squid had just placed yet another order, Sponge took it, fine, good, well.

Until Sponge gave him that look. For some reason, whether he was aware of it or not, the poriferan took it upon himself to turn on the big blue goo-goo eyes. The kind of eyes you see only in the cheap romance movies. The kind of eyes he used to give around Sandy.  
Squidward hadn't seen them in some time.

But was it at him?

That was when, like a bolt, the questions were answered. SpongeBob's look through the messed-up wig told him it in no uncertain terms.

SpongeBob had not been looking at Squidward. He had been looking at BlackJack in Squidward's body.

They were doing it with entirely the wrong person. The bodies were there, but the souls were set elsewhere: the past. In order to achieve the ecstasy they desired, there was someone they had to forget.

BlackJack.

**Steady hands in the planes  
Calculated ways  
To call it ailing in figure  
****Hearts far away  
When you work so late  
From a distant end**

* * *

There was something in the way Squidward said it that made SpongeBob's stomach thud.

"I don't love you anymore, BlackJack."

It was Sunday at SpongeBob's house, but strangely, it hadn't even started yet when he came out with it. They'd just climbed into bed, shooed the snail away, and settled down when Squidward told him to skip right to the end with the "I love you BlackJack".  
That was when the bombshell was dropped.

SpongeBob struggled to get into a believable BlackJack in response. "Um, _yes you do, little man. You love me because you – _Squidward, what are you doing? _Get your hands off my face and onto my ass, or I'll – _hey hey hey, no deflating muscle arms. _You're gonna regret this, little man. _Squidward, please, put my wig back. _Come on, babe, I love you. Please, don't do this to your old – _come on, Squidward, playtime's over. Put your BlackJack back on, right now. Squidward? Squidward, are you listening to – what are you doing? You know the rules said you're not allowed to --"

**Kiss. **

* * *

There was something in the way Squidward did it that made them think Kiss with a capital K.

**So exit the fall  
And now it's over  
You're learning  
It's all before your heart  
So exit the fall  
And now it's over  
You're learning  
It's all before your heart**

That was how awesome it was to them.

And the best part was, BlackJack was nowhere to be seen. Within that Kiss, that part of them was gone forever, lost to the ages.

It was only now. Squidward, SpongeBob, and the Kiss.

**And now it's over  
Before your heart  
And now it's over  
Before your heart**

Squidward pulled away after what seemed like an eternity.

"I love you, SpongeBob."

Even though it wasn't the one they'd rehearsed, there was only one right answer.

"I love you too, Squidward."

That Sunday night, they finally achieved what had slipped past for so long.

Orgasm.

* * *

"Squidward?"

It was Monday morning. They hadn't moved out of bed yet, a first for them.

"Squidward, do you really love me? Or was it just to get us to that good point last night?"

A silence from his brooding sex partner. (Oh wait, could SpongeBob call him that anymore?)

"Squidward? I said do you-"  
"I heard what you said."

Another pause.

"SpongeBob, I'll let you in on a little secret."  
"Hm?"  
"I normally get really angry around you, right?"  
"Yeah."  
"I normally cry in front of you, right?"  
"Yeah."  
_Squidward, I don't see where this is going._

"And - yes - there have been times where I have been naked in front of you."  
"Um-"  
"Those have been unintentional."  
"Those have been -- exactly."  
_Squidward, is there a point to this?_

"But I don't normally kiss you."  
"No."  
"I don't normally kiss you when I've laid specific rules on the contrary either."  
"No, that's true."

"There you go then. If I've kissed you, you already have your answer."

A third and harsher pause shattered the atmosphere. SpongeBob was, by this time, very confused - **did **Squidward love him, or **didn't **he?  
"Squidward, you're not making any sense."  
"I know I'm not, I'm sorry."

The next sentence from Squidward was so quiet, that SpongeBob almost didn't believe he'd said it.

"I... really do love you, SpongeBob. In fact... I suppose I always have."

* * *

There was something in the way BlackJack said it that made the couple pause for a second.

"But I thought you two loved me."

The 'coming-out' ceremony had been brief, with only the families attending. It was a simple enough occasion: think wedding with no official wedding. And now it was the after-party.

BlackJack had been dragged along reluctantly, and was surprised to see his ex-boyfriends making out like lovesick weasels. The looks they shared between them… they matched the looks they had once given him. He was driven out of his mind.

And the worst part was, something had happened to BlackJack's brain (and the organ further below) that he wasn't expecting.

"Squidward, I… I was just starting to fall in love with you."

Squidward and SpongeBob almost felt sorry for the ex-con.

"**Up yours, BlackJack."**

Almost.


End file.
